Reflections on Parenting

Welcome to a space dedicated to self-compassion and self-care for parents. Parenting is rewarding, but it can also feel draining and lonely. Parents are often hard on themselves. Everyone makes mistakes and you’re not alone. This is a judgment-free space for practical tips and encouragement.

5 Ways to Give Yourself Self-Compassion as a Parent

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

You know how when a friend is going through a hard time, you feel for them, and you want to help make it better? Self-compassion is feeling that same way about yourself. When you have self-compassion, you can see that you are human. You will make mistakes and you deserve to be given warmth and kindness.1, 2

How can we be more kind and compassionate toward ourselves to make parenting easier?

5 Things You Can Do Right Now

Remind yourself that you are not alone. It can feel like you are the only one in the world going through this, but there are so many other parents having the same thoughts and feelings. This sense of shared humanity can let us start to feel more connected to others.3
Think of a good friend and start to talk to yourself like you would to her or him. If your friend is having a hard time you might say, “I’m so sorry that you're going through this right now. What can I do to help?” If it’s something that you’d tell your friend to do, like more self-care and rest, then you can give yourself permission to do it too.4, 5
Know that it’s okay to make a mistake. No one is perfect. Other people make mistakes too.
Remember that it’s okay to feel what you feel. You can’t deal with your feelings if you ignore them or push them down. Say to yourself, “This is really hard right now.” You can model this for your children too. “I'm feeling angry right now. I need to take a minute.” By having self-compassion, we help our kids develop it for themselves too.”2, 6, 7
Be mindful. When we are critical of ourselves, we may hear negative thoughts over and over again in our heads. But when we're mindful, we are aware of our thoughts and feelings without judging them. If you can notice the critical voice without trying to change it, you can start to understand it, and have more compassion for yourself.8, 9, 10

Notes

Dr. Christopher K. Germer, “The mindful path to self-compassion,” (New York: The Guilford Press, 2009), 1-2, 38.
Dr. Kristin Neff, “Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself,” (New York: William Morrow, HarperCollins Publishers, 2015), 10-12, 34, 41, 51, 209.
Allison Abrams, “How to cultivate more self-compassion,” 2017, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/how-cultivate-more-self-compassion
Harvard Health, “4 ways to boost your self-compassion,” 2021, https://www.health.harvard.edu/mental-health/4-ways-to-boost-your-self-compassion
Harvard Health, “The power of self-compassion,” 2024, https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
Dr. Susan M. Pollak, “Self-compassion for parents: Nurture your child by caring for yourself,” (New York: The Guilford Press, 2019), 37-39.
Dr. Odelya Gertel Kraybill, “Parenting a neurodivergent child is hard! Self-compassion is the antidote to stress and pain,” 2021, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/expressive-trauma-integration/202108/parenting-neurodivergent-child-is-hard
Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, “What is self-compassion? 8 life-changing techniques,” 2024, https://www.verywellhealth.com/self-compassion-5220012
Catherine Moore, “How to practice self-compassion: 8 techniques and tips,” 2019, https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/
Gill Hasson, “Mindfulness: Live in the moment. Enjoy life to the full,” (Swindon: National Trust, 2019), 25.

Self-Care

“Self-care is how you take your power back.” - Lalah Delia

Self care means taking the time to do things that are good for you physically, mentally, and emotionally. When choosing self-care activities, look for the ones that make you feel cared for and pampered, and that bring you joy, relaxation, and peace. Self-care doesn’t have to be big or cost a bunch of money. Small things can help, like using a soap that you like the smell of.1, 2, 3

When parents take breaks, they can return to their children calmer and more patient. Self-care activities help us feel less stressed, less likely to burnout, more confident, energized, and better able to cope with anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns.3, 11

When you have a young child, finding time for self-care can be hard or even impossible. It might look like getting a quick shower, a short nap, playing a video game like Stardew Valley, or watching HGTV in the middle of the night, while you’re feeding your baby. What, too specific? So, start small, taking a few minutes each day to do something that is for you, even if that’s just lying down on the couch and taking some deep breaths. Every little bit helps.

What self-care looks like depends on each person. It can be petting a dog, going for a walk, spending time in nature, or doing a puzzle.1, 5, 6 Self-care might be reading a good book, soaking in a bath, meditating or praying, or taking a nap.4, 11 You may want to dance or listen to music, call a friend or relative, or go to a museum, library, or bookstore.4, 10 Self-care can involve taking photos, watching a sunrise or sunset, going for a drive, or cooking.4 You may choose to go for a bike ride, get a manicure, pedicure, or massage, exercise, garden, take a mental health day, or a break from social media and electronics.7, 8, 10 For you self-care may be coloring, having tea, going to a live show, doing karaoke, or saying “no” to something that you don’t want to do.1, 4, 11 You may feel like trying out a new hobby or class, or watching a movie or a funny animal video on YouTube.7, 10 Self-care can be journaling, practicing gratitude, using a relaxation app, or seeking out therapy.3, 9, 12

What are your current self-care practices? Is there an area of your life that could use a little more care?

Notes

Nicole Goodman and Lauren Mishcon, “Have you tried this? The only self care guide you will ever need,” (London, Welbeck Balance, 2024), 8, 21-27, 105-106, 155, 163.
Angela Cabotaje, “What does self-care mean – and why is it important?” 2020, https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/mental-health/self-care-meaning
Angelica Bottaro, “What is self-care and why is it important?” 2024, https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-self-care-5212781
Dr. Emily Guarnatta, “99 self-care activities that can improve your quality of life,” 2023, https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/self-care-ideas-activities
Florence Williams, “The nature fix: Why nature makes us happier, healthier, and more creative,” (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2018).
Kirsten Weir, “Nurtured by nature: Psychological research is advancing our understanding of how time in nature can improve our mental health and sharpen our cognition,” 2020, https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature
Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito, “What are examples of self-care?” 2023, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/self-care-examples
Ivy Conrad, “Benefits of massage therapy,” 2022, https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/benefits-of-massage-therapy
UCLA Health, “Health benefits of gratitude,” 2023, https://www.uclahealth.org/news/health-benefits-gratitude
Beccy Hands and Alexis Stickland, “The little book of self-care for new mums,” (London: Vermikkon, 2018), 74, 105, 116.
Raven Sun, “Self-care for new moms: First-time mothers’ guide to conquering postpartum and finding joyful motherhood with mindfulness exercises, self-care activities, 100+ affirmations, and self-care journal,” (Columbia: Raven Sun, 2023), 98-103.
Amanda Logan, “Can expressing gratitude improve your mental, physical health?” 2022, https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/can-expressing-gratitude-improve-health#:~:text=Expressing%20gratitude%20is%20associated%20with,everyone%20would%20be%20taking%20it.

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